How to deal with a difficult person, trait by trait

Why can’t you just avoid difficult people?

Because the difficult people in most lives are the ones you can’t easily drop. A survey of more than 1,100 people describing over 12,000 relationships found that about 15% of the people they listed were someone they “sometimes find demanding or difficult.” Close relatives — especially women relatives and aging parents — were especially likely to be named, and coworkers were more likely than friends to be listed only as difficult. Giving support to someone was a major source of difficulty (Offer & Fischer, 2018). The authors’ reading is that family norms and workplaces keep these ties in place.

The cost is real. In a related analysis of 1,136 people’s networks, having a difficult partner was associated with about as much loneliness as having no partner at all — though the link was weaker when the partner was otherwise supportive, and when the rest of the person’s network was supportive (Offer, 2020). These are associations from a survey, not proof that the difficult tie causes loneliness.

Start by naming the pattern

“Difficult” covers very different behavior. Someone who bosses everyone around and someone who suspects everyone of plotting are both hard to deal with, but they need opposite handling. Research on personality-disorder trait models also finds that different traits line up with different kinds of interpersonal problems (Williams & Simms, 2016).

So before deciding what to do, rate the person on the same 45 statements used in our self-test. It’s private: nothing leaves your browser. The result shows which of the seven patterns you see most. Keep in mind that your ratings reflect your experience of the person, and that a stressful situation can bring out behavior that isn’t typical of them.

Responses matched to each trait

The suggestions below are our editorial judgment, drawn from what each trait involves; they haven’t been tested as interventions.

If they’re high on…	What tends to help	What tends to backfire
Callousness	Concrete, specific impact statements; framing requests around shared outcomes	Appeals to guilt or expecting them to notice your needs
Grandiosity	Private, factual feedback; rules agreed in advance	Public correction; arguing about who’s smarter
Domineering	Agreed roles and decision rights; stating your preference early	Hinting; fighting over every small decision
Manipulativeness	Written agreements; slowing down rushed decisions; checking claims yourself	Deciding on the spot; arguing about what was said
Mistrust	Predictability; explaining the reasons behind requests	Secrecy, even well-meant; surprise changes
Hostile aggression	Ending heated conversations; documenting incidents; using formal channels	Arguing while they escalate; meeting alone if you feel unsafe
Risk taking	Saying clearly which risks you’ll share; limits agreed in advance	Being swept along by excitement

At work

Write things down. Most of the patterns above get easier when decisions, roles and agreements are recorded, and documentation matters if you later need HR or a manager to act. Keep conversations about specific behavior and its effect on the work rather than about the person’s character.

In the family

You often can’t leave, so decide what you’ll take part in. Clear, repeated limits (“I’ll talk about the holiday plans, not about my marriage”) matter more than winning any single argument. The research above suggests support given without support returned is a major source of strain (Offer & Fischer, 2018); it’s reasonable to rebalance what you give.

When it isn’t just difficult

If someone threatens you, hurts you, or controls your money, movement or contact with others, that goes beyond a difficult personality. Your safety comes first. In an emergency, call 911. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available at 1-800-799-7233 or by texting START to 88788.

Could it be you?

It’s worth asking, especially if the same friction shows up with several different people. Take the self-test, then send a second-opinion link to someone you trust. Our guide to being less difficult covers what change research has found.